Before you tell your partner what you like, you need to know yourself. Darnell encourages her clients to educate 
themselves about sex and find out what they enjoy. “If you don’t know what you like in bed, learn,” she says. “Take classes and workshops with your partner. Masturbate. Watch porn. Talk about touch. Follow sexologists on Instagram for thousands of free tips daily.” Overstreet echoes the importance of self-discovery. Take time to identify your turn-ons and turn-offs and explore what feels good to you.
You both need to feel safe in order to open up and keep your sex lives healthy. That means no judging (yourself or your partner!). “Sex is sex. There are hundreds of ways to have sex,” explains Darnell. “Focus on how you want to feel, not what judgment is placed upon the activities.”
Do not assign blame if your sex lives aren’t going well. Many couples struggle with intimacy, and it’s very normal.
It also has nothing to do with how much you love each other and how committed you are to the relationship. “You have to cultivate connection and pleasure,” says Darnell. “It will not fall out of the sky and love is not enough. You have to make it happen.”
If lack of communication, judgment, and blame have been common in your sexual relationship, it’s possible that one, or both of you, are harboring some resentment. This can also be the case if one of you feels a sense of inequality. One partner may feel resentful of carrying the heavier load, whether that be the emotional baggage of a diminishing sex life or the physical responsibility of always being the one trying to resuscitate it. “Deal with your resentment and heal it, there’s no shortcut,” says Overstreet. “You’ve got to do the work individually and as a couple. It takes time and work but is so worth it if you want to remain in the relationship.”
When trust between two people deteriorates, so does sexual wellness. If there is a trust issue that’s been festering, it needs to be reconciled and healed. Open communication, compassionate honesty, and perhaps the help of a therapist can help. “Ask yourself if you want to truly be in this relationship,” says Overstreet. “It requires both people committing to show up more days than not to do the work. If both are on board, then begin to explore the 12 types of intimacy and what each of your needs are. As you identify what you want more of and listen to what your partner wants more of, then you can collaborate on working on each of the types. What you’ll find is when emotional intimacy and communication intimacy improves so does physical intimacy because all of these are based in trust.”
Overstreet lists feeling too stressed to be in the mood for physical intimacy as one of the most common reasons why couples stop having sex. While eliminating the stressors altogether ple), there are techniques that can help build your resilience and response to such stimuli. Meditation, mindfulness techniques, practicing being present, and breathwork have all been proven to decrease stress levels. Having those stressors under control may in turn contribute positively to one’s libido.
We all know that a good workout not only helps with stress but also releases an endorphin rush for a more lifted mood and positive mindset. But including your partner in the activity can have benefits all its own. “Doing something active together helps you feel closer,” explains Overstreet. “You’re working toward the same goal to be your healthiest self and this is a turn-on.”
